“I can’t be strong. I can’t handle difficulties, my hands go down at the slightest failure. By nature, I’m a whiner and a wimp, probably, it can not change, no matter how much I tried — nothing comes out. It seems to me that it is good and necessary to be a strong personality. I used to think that everything would come with age and life’s problems, but any problems only break me and reduce my self-esteem. Maybe I live in greenhouse conditions, but life is in no hurry to teach me something. What should I do? How to become a strong personality and a confident girl? Is there any chance to change?”
— Anna, 24
Many people want to be a strong person. Many want to cope with all life’s difficulties, not to give up in difficult situations, to be confident in themselves and their abilities, to rely on themselves, not to depend on the opinion of others, and to be able to defend their rights. Is it possible to develop such qualities? Traditionally, we have two news: one good and another a little worse. The good news is that a person can change himself , the brain is plastic and changes under the influence of experience. The worse news is that there is no magic pill, which in one night will make a strong and courageous person from an infantile and weak one. Although some manage to seriously rethink their lives in one day, having faced a severe life crisis. You can change your behavior, but it will require some effort and consistent action on your part. So you should be patient, and we will help you find the tools for development. Study the article, add to the bookmarks — you will find a lot of useful and practical information on how to stop being shy, introverted, and insecure. Let’s understand what qualities a strong personality has, which prevents people from starting again from Monday, and how to develop useful qualities, so as not to give up everything in a week.
To begin with, we shall determine what qualities distinguish a strong personality from an ordinary person.
The qualities of a strong personality are reflected in the rights of the individual person. These rights are also called assertive behavior, i.e. the ability not to depend on opinions of others, to rely on oneself, and to regulate one’s behavior. The observance thereof, as a rule, helps to become more decisive and get rid of the stress caused by the constant expectation of condemnation from others. Keep in mind that other people have the same rights.
The mindset against which this right is directed: lookers on see more than players, others know me better, so they have to evaluate how good or bad I am.
Mindset: I must come up to the expectations of others and apologize if my actions do not come up to those expectations.
Mindset: First I have to take care of others, and only then, if there is time, about myself.
Mindset: if I voice an opinion, I have to stick to it for the rest of my life. Changing the opinion means that I am incompetent and irresponsible, bad, and cannot make any decisions.
Mindset: I can’t make mistakes, any mistake is the collapse of everything, and I have to feel guilty about it.
Mindset: I need to know the answers to all the questions, I have to feel guilty about if I don’t know something.
Mindset: others should love me and treat me well, that is the only way I can be happy.
Mindset: I have to be sensitive and attentive to others, I need to anticipate their desires, otherwise I will not be loved for anything.
Mindset: I have to share the passions of others and support boring conversations, otherwise I will be cruel and coarse.
Of course, it is not necessary to reduce these rules to the absurdity, when healthy and necessary selfishness evolves into self-centeredness and starts to violate the rights of other people.
The main task of the personality rights is to realize that to be well-informed and confident, the person doesn’t have to meet all the demands of strangers
Moreover, this is still unrealistic.
A self-confident person can be kind, can take care, and help others. At the same time, he does not have to feel bad if he does not fit into the framework of the ideal person.
Contrary to existing stereotypes, a woman can become a confident and strong personality. At the same time, it is necessary to share the concept of power and imperiousness (or, rather, the tyrant’s slack). A strong person knows how to fend for oneself, but can also ask for help, if necessary, he can support a loved one and help him/her in a difficult situation. You can rely on a strong person. The imperious person seeks to undermine others, manipulate them, assert oneself at someone else’s expense, resort to psychological or physical violence if something contradicts its desires. If an imperious person is not interested in something, it will easily leave its partner in a difficult situation.
A strong person is capable of cooperation and dialogue, whereas the imperious one wants to dominate. As a rule, when they say that “a woman does not need to be strong”, they mean imperiousness. But if you look at the list of qualities of a strong personality, you will see that these are universal qualities that will be useful in the life of any person.
There are many intermediate options between the “strong” and “weak” person categories. The vast majority of people have good makings to become a strong personality, but someone lacks willpower, someone — confidence, and someone is hindered by inflated demands on themselves. Pass our test and determine what part of your personality is worth paying attention to.
The test consists of 4 blocks, with 5 statements each. Read them and reply “agree, most often it happens so” or “disagree, it happens very rarely.”
|I often give up something that I started and regret it.It’s often hard for me to force myself to do something necessary.I have long-started and unfinished business that makes me uncomfortable.Many times I quit smoking/drinking/overeating or tried to start exercising/eating healthily, but I didn’t succeed.It’s hard for me to stop if I’m in an argument or a fight.|
|I can throw out the clothes/things I like if others don’t like them.I can do something to please others, even if it will be to my detriment.I feel that I am worse than other people.It’s easy to convince me, even if I think I’m right.More often it is difficult for me to protect my opinion, I get lost and speak confusedly, especially if the opponent is active and assertive.|
|I couldn’t achieve anything in my life because my education is not good enough.I am responsible, but something constantly prevents me from fulfilling the planned or promised things.I am responsible for everything that happens in my life.Sometimes it seems to me that I am a loser or that I have bad fate.I often consult with others before making any decision.|
|It seems to me that others have nothing to teach me, I know everything perfectly.I believe that correct information is always simple and accessible.I believe everything that a person authoritative for me says because he has already won my trust.I tend to believe what is being said on TV or written in newspapers.I believe in omens because they always come true for me.|
Analyze your answers.
1st block reflects the willpower.
2nd block — for self-confidence.
3rd block — for a sense of responsibility.
4th block — for critical thinking.
The more “agree, most often it happens so” answers in each block, we recommend giving more attention to this side of your personality. However, remember that the test is only indicative, for a more accurate definition of weaknesses it is better to use the help of an expert person.
“I’m tired, I’m tired of everything. I want to be confident and strong, but I am weak and powerless, as they say, a lapdog. A couple of times, I’ve tried to train by reading books a couple of times, but it doesn’t work out. How to stop being shy and become confident? How to develop commitment? But so that you can handle it yourself. Up to this point, I can’t force myself to go to a psychologist, since I am a man and I have to decide everything myself. Well, if it does not work out? Forget about myself and go downstream? I don’t want.”
– Evgeniy, 27
To be aware of the difficulties that can arise in the process of self-improvement means to be prepared for them.
First reason. We underestimate the complexity of the task. We think: “So, from today I become a strong personality, and wait for the decision to be implemented by itself. We’ve decided, and it sounds like we’ve already done. If it didn’t work out naturally, then it wasn’t meant to be, it’s not ours. After all, everything that “ours” should come easily? However, it’s not that. Mastering a new skill is a long and difficult process. You need not only to get used to new habits, to learn a new model of behavior, but also to get used to the old ones. That’s why behavioral techniques, such as the 7Spsy behavior modification technology, are so effective. They allow you to learn a new skill and consolidate it in behavior patterns.
Second reason. We’re in a hurry and trying to bite off too much. So, what happens if you bite off more than you can chew? True, you can choke over. The same thing is with habits. If we went to bed all the time at 3 a.m., it’s hard to start falling asleep at 10 p.m. Therefore, it is better to break the tasks into small steps and change your behavior gradually.
Third reason. We give up after the first setback and scold ourselves. However, failures are natural in retraining. We do morning exercise for 6 days, and on the 7th we laze away. Treat such downturns as a natural element of retraining, not a failure.
Now that you know a little more about changing habits, you can move on to practical exercises.
So how to become an active, proactive, and independent person? To do this, you need to work on yourself. First, you need to understand each concept and apply the following techniques.
Self-confidence and self-reliance are the basic skills of a strong personality. I can, I can do it, I will be able to do it — such thoughts are the basis of any successful case. Although, of course, any person tends to doubt, and that’s OK. Confidence does not mean no doubt. Confidence is the ability to cope with your doubts.
So how to become more confident and boost confidence?
It is important to soberly assess one’s capabilities: not to set sight on unattainable, vague goals, but to constantly expand the range of capabilities. This quality applies to all areas of activity: from home affairs to work in senior positions. At the same time, it is necessary to develop confidence that you will be able to find a way to achieve everything you want.
It will also help to establish relationships with others and make a good impression.
Critical attitude to the opinion of others will help you both to form your point of view, and to get rid of dependence on someone else’s opinion, to take responsibility for your own decisions and actions. This is a complex process, as it is impossible to be an expert in all spheres, and we have to take the experts’ bare word. However, you can be critical of most of the information, doubt and double-check what you hear.
“I should perform only at A-level. Mistakes mean I’m stupid and incapable. I have to do everything well at once.” These and other similar beliefs are the consequences of our upbringing. We are taught that mistakes are shameful, mistakes are punished by low estimates, and those who do not study well automatically fall into the category of future janitors. However, it’s not that. It’s time to change your attitude to mistakes.
Any emotion has the right to exist. To manage your emotions you should be able to express openly what you feel, and at the same time try not to hurt the feelings of other people. If a person is angry, it is quite realistic to voice it, for example: “I am angry about this situation” or “I am angry with your tone” or “I am angry when I am treated disrespectfully”. It’s about all the senses. Not everyone can openly voice feelings, discontent, doubts, sadness, anger, and again it is related to the established behavior pattern.
Passion or anger can hinder and intensify conflict, and even lead to violence. It is useful to be able to work out your emotions to preserve one’s sanity even in the most difficult situations.
Think about your goals and desires: “What do you dream of? What are you aiming for?” You can start with a list: “my 10 desires.” This will help you go your own way.
To develop individuality it is important to find an inner resource for self-expression. Find an interesting hobby for you, pick up a wardrobe for your spirit, try to engage in creativity. Don’t be afraid to tell the world about yourself!
Envy takes a lot of energy, undermines self-confidence and leads to frustration. Where does it come from and how to get rid of the feeling of envy to other people?
Envy arises when we are confronted with social injustice. Why when I water the lawn all day long it turns yellow, and the neighbor has never watered it, and he has green grass? It’s not fair, is it? Unfair. Envy. That is, we are envious when it seems that others have received something undeservedly, without putting any effort, and we try, but the result is worse. It’s kind of a counter. How to turn it off and stop being envious of others? Only by a critical reflection of what is happening.
Accept the fact that everyone has their way and their successes. Yes, someone is better, so what? Someone else’s success does not make you worse, does not devalue your virtues. The only person to compare with is you in the past.
To define your goals, you can first write down all your desires. Ask yourself the question: “What would I like to be in five years?”
Another good technique is the wheel of life balance. To do this, mark on the diagram below how satisfied are you with each area of your life? How long have you been playing sports? When was the last time you had a full rest and saw your family? Do you have free time to engage in creativity? How can family relationships be improved? What to do with fatigue and nasty temper?
This way, it will be easier for you to assess which field is currently failing.
Then write down the result for each field you would score 10. For example, your workshop in the center of the city in the field of “hobby.”
Based on the ideal image of yourself in the future, you will find it easier to understand what goals you need to set to get such a result. At the same time, try to define the goal as exactly as possible: not just “get more” but “get 20 thousand more rubles per month by September of the next year, with no more than 10 hours a day.”
When the goals are clearly defined, you need to note down the path to them in steps and correlate them with the calendar. In this case, the first step is to set something easily doable, for example, to write to an expert who works in the field you are interested in, or to view current vacancies.
When the goals are clearly defined and plans are outlined, you will not be able to waste time anywhere. Your life will become more organized and interesting.
Learn to finish what you have started. The benefits of this skill are probably obvious to everyone. But how to become purposeful?
Goals are the result of your decisions. Think about what is important to you in this life, how you would like to live, what to do, what kind of person you want to be. Your goal will depend on it.
One of the advantages of our program is the individual approach. You don’t just get a program that you have to apply to yourself. You will have a clear action plan adapted to your particular qualities. What behavior do you want to change? Maybe you are not envious at all, but you need self-confidence? Or you are confident in yourself, but it is difficult to finish what you have started. In any case, you can start to change very soon, since the course is remote, you do not need to go anywhere and wait for the flow to start. A personal psychologist will be ready to support you at any time — by phone, e-mail, or online chat. This format of communication with a psychologist is more productive than one meeting every 1-2 weeks.
As a result, in 2-6 weeks you will start to think and act as a strong personality, determine the goals and growth zones, learn to treat yourself with respect and be able to rely on yourself in difficult situations. As one unidentified psychologist said: “I will never be alone because I always have myself as a partner.”
But do we need psychologists? Isn’t a personable to changeby himself?
He/she is not only able, but also change this way. A psychologist does not control a person as a puppet, he will not be able to overcome your isolation and develop purposefulness for you. He can simplify and facilitate this process, make it shorter and more effective taking into account the dynamics and features of your retraining. First of all, a psychologist is a teacher. He teaches techniques and methods that help a person to develop personal qualities and change their behavior to another, more effective one. Learning these techniques, you will be able to apply them in the future, when the need arises.
Look for ways to improve your professional skills: now there are many online courses. Try yourself in different areas and directions. Learn foreign languages. Most importantly remember that it’s never too late to start!
In any situation, there is always a bright side.
Even crises and difficult events allow us to gain experience. What matters is how you accept this.
Being a strong person means having the necessary qualities to enjoy life and be successful. You can work with each quality individually, and with all aspects of the personality at once. The main thing is to remember that the time and money that you invest in the development of your personality always pay off.