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Building a constructive dialogue with a teenager is extremely difficult. Rudeness, emotional blackmailing, provocative behavior – these are the most common reactions of a child even to “harmless” comments of parents. There is a misunderstanding in the family, everyone has deep grievances. But is transitional age always so painful? In the article, we will raise an important topic: how to go through this difficult crisis period for the parents and the child with the least losses.
Contents:
In psychology, the crisis of teenage is considered the most difficult stage in the maturation of each person. During this period, the child overcomes the border between childhood and maturity, which radically changes his/her worldview. Hence are all the changes in the behavior of a teenager – just yesterday he/she was a sweet baby, and today he/she seems furious.
The teenage crisis begins from 11-12 years and lasts until 17-18 years. And it, despite all the negative manifestations, has an important function – a child seeks himself/herself in this world, understands own feelings, sets priorities, and actively accumulates the experience of social life. Escaping from the crisis only delays human development. Young people who have worthily gone through this difficult period become stronger and more confident in themselves, gain the ability to control their destinies. [1]
The “hormonal explosion” inherent in the teenage crisis is accompanied by vivid external manifestations – intense growth and puberty. It affects in many ways the behavior of a child. We outline the main features of the teenage crisis:
Not always all the “symptoms” of the teenage crisis are contained in a child. So, according to psychologists, there are 2 main ways of its flow. [3]
This is the most common form of the teenage crisis. In this case, a child becomes a real rebel – obstinate, naughty, stubborn, masterful. His/her behavior and attitude to the world around become a kind of striving forward, going beyond the limits of “children’s” norms and rules. A teenager, by all available means, declares to the world: “I am already an adult, and now everything will be in my opinion”.
In this case, the behavior of a teenager also changes, but in the completely opposite direction than rebellion. A child shows excessive obedience, dependence on parents or elder buddies. It is like a regression in emotional development, a rollback to children’s forms of behavior. A child is afraid to enter adulthood, and he/she is trying with all his/her might to stay in that period of life where he/she feels safe “under the wing” of adults.
The psychologist and teacher L.S. Vygotsky has devoted a lot of his academic work to the themes of the teenage crisis. He considered this period in the life of a child to be the most significant, peculiar foundation in the development of personality. According to Vygotsky, the teenage crisis smoothly goes through 3 phases. [3]
A child begins to break the system, changing his/her behavior. This is the crisis of early teenage. A child from 11 years old tests the boundaries of what is permitted, tries to get out of the custody of the parents, changes old habits, begins to look in a new light at what is happening around.
Vygotsky marks the climax of the teenage crisis – 13 years old. Starting from this age, the child’s behavior changes dramatically, and not always for the better. A teenager acts unpredictably and sharply reacts to all processes occurring around. Differences in mood and unwillingness to learn have a bad effect on the development of cognitive functions of a child of 12-15 years old (memory, attention, thinking), if you do not work with this, it may be difficult for a child to enter and study in the university in the future.
At this stage of the age crisis, a teenager is already reconciled with self-changes. He/she tries to collect the accumulated experience and learns to find compromises with the own “I”. Although not without difficulty, a teenager got the basics of communication with peers and seniors. He/she understands what is “good” and “bad”. With a successful outcome of the age crisis, a child is quite ready to go into adulthood.
Provocative behavior of a child, according to psychologists, may be associated with his/her fears and self-doubt. The reasons for the teenage crisis do not lie in the fact that a teenager wants a conflict per se. A child is trying to understand own thoughts and convey to others his/her beliefs:
Riot is the easiest way for a teenager to achieve equal rights, to prove their importance, to expand the boundaries of what is permitted. A child considers himself/herself an adult and wants to make decisions independently. And of course, his/her interests are faced with harsh parental criticism. Mom and dad are not ready to admit that their baby has grown up and really has the right to openly express his/her opinions. Hence, here come the numerous problems from the teenage crisis.
Until 10-11 years old, a child actively learns the world around. But then everything changes – now the look of a teenager is more directed inward. He/she begins to “dig” into his/her thoughts, trying to find his/her destiny in this world, to take certain positions in society. This is the so-called teenage identity crisis. Surviving it is psychologically difficult for a child.
The process of self-awareness requires solitude. That is why many teenagers become silent and closed, limiting their communication with parents. Children are afraid that adults will not understand them. This is one of the main reasons that can push a child to run away from home and live on the street.
All teenagers jealously stand for their own personal territory. They are trying to outline the boundaries beyond which parents cannot cross. A child considers the life views of mom and dad “old-fashioned”, and therefore not worthy of attention. A teenager, by building personal boundaries, tries to protect from criticism of parents and life difficulties.
In the teenage crisis, tough logic dominates the mind of a teenager. He/she needs clear answers to important questions. The critical thinking has not yet sufficiently developed in a child, therefore the world around seems to be bipolar – black or white, with a complete absence of mid-tones. Till the moment a teenager is unable to understand the complex palette of relationships between people. Many life processes do not fit into his/her worldview where only good and bad rule. This provokes numerous conflicts with peers and parents. Also, a teenager can stop friendship with a friend forever or completely be disappointed in something.
In girls and boys, the teenage crisis is different. What are the features of this difficult period of growing up?
“My daughter is 12 years old. And over the past year she has changed a lot, I literally do not recognize my girl. There are no problems with school performance. But I know that boys appeared in her company. And now, all the thoughts of my daughter are only about the love affairs. To me, of course, this seems silly, but I see how my girl is worried. She became withdrawn, constantly crying. She answers to all my questions that everything is fine. But I see – she is worried. She began to tell often that she is ugly. Previously, she could even go to school blowzy, but now she spends hours in front of a mirror.
Recently, she decided to go on a diet, eating almost nothing. But what kind of diet can it be, if she is already slender. I’m afraid that eating nothing will harm her health. I suspect that this is all in order to be attractive to boys”.
– Irina, 40
According to psychologists, girls enter the teenage crisis a little earlier. It starts at 10-11 years old and ends at 16-17 years old. In this case, the crisis is milder.
Teenage girls are much less likely to show negativity, latent or passive aggression. This is largely due to the fact that they are extremely sharply experiencing the internal conflict realizing that they violate the generally accepted norms of behavior attributed to women. Most girls have a tight control over their behavior in the teenage crisis – they try to behave correctly so as not to cause adults’ discontent.
Another distinctive feature of the difficult teenage crisis in girls is the fact that they are often fixated on the imperfections of their appearance. Girls are looking for all kinds of ways to achieve the unattainable ideal of beauty. And often, these methods do not justify the goal at all, undermining health – for example, strict diets. And girls’ bright defiant makeup, with which they try to show off is completely inappropriate in middle and high school.
Some teenage girls demonstrate negativity with a socially significant orientation – they try to protect the rights of other people, protect close friends from troubles. [4]
“My son is 15 years old, he goes to high school. For a couple of years now, we all have been fighting with his teenage crisis. The son gives us the riots which are driving us crazy.
There are constant parties and games at the computer – another half of the trouble. He is studying under the lash. Soon he should enter the university. Along with his academic performance, the discipline at school is also bad. I am constantly called to school by the headmaster, because my son makes fights and is rude to teachers.
My husband and I tried everything – we calmly talked with our son, and locked him at home, and took away all his gadgets. Nothing helps”.
– Marina, 38
In boys, the teenage psychological crisis begins at 11-12 and ends at 17-18 years old. It often proceeds very rapidly. The fact is that young men are already beginning to develop an idea of the male type of behavior. But these are not always the correct behavioral attitudes – a boy tries to solve many problems by force, showing aggression. The other extreme is complete withdrawal and estrangement from loved ones in order to hide the true feelings, because it is believed that “a man should not show emotions”. And in teenage, taking into attention how much hormones “rebel”, it’s difficult to hide your feelings – a way easier to stay alone.
Boys more calmly perceive their own manifestations of aggression, having the belief that men, if necessary, tend to such behavior. No regrets and reflections. Teenagers more often blame their outbursts of rage on external factors – “I’m not to blame, this is how the circumstances developed”. [4]
Negativism is a negative attitude towards the world around, manifested in a negative assessment of people and their actions.
Negativism is especially pronounced in teenagers just in the teenage crisis. Given the immaturity of the child’s personality and his/her black and white picture of the world, he/she perceives many life situations extremely negatively. A child becomes stubborn, withdrawn, rude, even aggressive, now and then violates discipline in school. But this is only the outer shell – negativism becomes a kind of armor, which covers the numerous fears of a child on the verge of growing up. In fact, negativism is a teenager’s reaction to some unmet personal need. For example, a lack of respect, understanding and love from parents and close ones. [2]
Psychologists divide adolescent negativity into passive and active. A passive negativist does not quarrel openly, he/she simply misses all the requests, demands and comments of parents. The specificity of active negativity lies in the fact that a teenager puts all his/her strength into arguing with adults – he/she does the opposite of what is asked to do. [3]
How well the teenage puberty crisis will pass will depend on the characteristics of a child and the basics of education that the parents laid down. Equally important is the position of the close environment. Despite the fact that the “prickly” teenager shows everyone the negativity, he/she needs support more than ever. Do not push a child away, help understand his/her own feelings and enter adulthood with a sense of a solid foundation.
When solving so many problems that accompany the teenage age crisis, parents have to be patient so as not to spoil their relationship with the child. What recommendations will help?
Strict prohibitions and punishments, emotional blackmail, sharp criticism, imposing one’s own opinion – all this does not work in raising a teenager. It is important for parents to learn how to effectively Strict prohibitions and punishments, emotional blackmail, sharp criticism, imposing one’s own opinion – all this does not work in raising a teenager. It is important for parents to learn how to effectively . Only via a confidential dialogue and a sincere desire to help. Listen, teach, give advice.
Despite the fact that you have every right to give advice and guidance to your child, respect his/her personal space and do not impose your opinion on certain issues. In order not to spoil relations with a teenager, observe the boundaries that he/she has established. Knock on the door before entering the child’s room, do not read messages on the phone and in social media, do not ask too much about friends. Even these seemingly insignificant changes in your behavior will let the child understand that you are not encroaching on his/her personal life.
This does not mean that the teenager’s life should be left to chance. Continue to monitor his/her time and school performance. But this should not look like an encroachment on freedom.
It’s time to stop looking at your child as a baby. A teenager is already old enough to make certain decisions. Give him/her some freedom of action and respect his/her desire to do “adult” actions.
Everyone, even a child, has the right to make a mistake. It develops the personality and helps accumulate life experience.
A teenager perceives very sharply literally every event in life. Help him/her painlessly get out of conflicts with friends and support when he/she fails. Seeing that you do care, the child will be more self-confident and will listen to your advice, which is extremely important.
Learn the art of communicating with a child. “Not a big deal – your girlfriend left you! You will have a plenty of them!” – these are not the most suitable words of comfort for a boy suffering from one-sided love. Do not discount his/her problems, support in difficult times. Sometimes it’s quite simple to say “I understand you”.
A teenager faced with a misunderstanding of parents, often moves away from them and closes up. Try to find common touch points with your growing child. This will help ensure effective prevention and correction of a deviant behavior of a teenager, as well as monitor his/her emotional state.
Find a common hobby with your child, actively relax together, go to the movies, attend exhibitions and concerts. Believe, not everything that modern youth loves is bad. Understand what your child is interested in. This will help being on the same wave.
Teenagers are sensitive to hypocrisy. Be sure that a false sermon on moral values in the form of instructions and orders will not affect the child. Teach him/her using a personal example. This will help a teenager understand the essence of what is happening around and master the art of communication. Each child brings many behavioral attitudes precisely from the environment in which he/she was brought up. Let it be the right settings, but not aggression and excessive strictness.
Even despite the sensitive attitude of parents, there are situations when a crisis in a teenager is accompanied by a serious riot. He/she literally “breaks bad” – leaves home, does not want to study at all, tries alcohol and drugs, which can turn into serious chemical addictions. In this case, you can’t hesitate – contact a psychologist for help.
The teenage riot is largely due to negative attitudes. If you adjust them, then you can solve many problems in your child’s personal development. An excellent result is shown by the 7Spsy behavior modification technique. This is a patented methodology of behavioral psychology based on the theories of I.P. Pavlov, B.F. Skinner, A.A. Ukhtomsky.
Passing the course will help a child change the established negative attitudes that push him/her to aggression or isolation. With acquired skills, it will be easier for a teenager to understand himself/herself and the processes flowing around. This is important for a harmonious development of the personality. Replacing negative attitudes with positive ones, the child will learn to competently resolve conflicts, which will help build a productive dialogue with friends and parents.
Training under the 7Spsy behavior modification technique is designed for up to 6 weeks. In this short period of time, the child will master a healthy behavior model that will allow him/her to live productively through the age crisis and develop the necessary personal qualities.
Consultations and communication with a psychologist are carried out in a convenient online mode – by e-mail, in chat rooms and by phone. Reassure your child – he/she may not tell friends about the training in which he/she will participate. This is extremely important for teenagers – they do not want anyone to know about their “weaknesses”. Participation in the training is strictly confidential.
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