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Learning to Become Kinder: 12 Effective Recommendations

21.06.2019 Author: Psychologist Pavel Khoroshutin

Do you want to be happy? Just be! But it is important to be able to give happiness to others. And only kind people are capable of this. Each of us can periodically show altruism and compassion, be attentive and caring. But kindness as a quality of a person which was so much valued before, today, unfortunately, is increasingly referred to as “spinelessness” and becomes unpopular. But it’s never too late to change, because kindness is like muscles that can be trained. In the article we will talk about how to become kinder, softer and calmer.


What is kindness

What is kindness

Kindness is the spiritual quality of a person, which is expressed by a gentle, caring attitude towards other people, animals and nature, the desire to do something good. This is not an instantaneous act to “clear one’s own conscience”, but a vital concept of the active bringing of a particle of light into the world. [1]

How is kindness shown?

  • care,
  • attention,
  • mercy,
  • selfless help,
  • responsiveness,
  • goodwill.

Are people born like this or become such? It is believed that a person has generosity from birth. Judge for yourself: almost all children, seeing that someone is feeling bad, react sharply to this – they try to help and are even ready to share toys in order to console others. But kindness, as life “tempers” us, is missing. Its place is taken by prudence, commercialism, and self-interest. [1]

We will teach kindness and cordiality

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It is believed that kind people cannot achieve anything in life, because they constantly help others, forgetting about themselves. But a kind person is kind not only to those around, but also to himself/herself. He/she has an active life position, high moral qualities, developed fortitude and empathy. It is easier for such a person to go through life with his/her head high and achieve success in the goals.

A look at the world through the eyes of a kind person

A look at the world through the eyes of a kind person

The concept of “kindness” now for some reason has become synonymous with “weak will”. But these qualities have nothing in common with each other. A kind person, unlike a weak-willed person, will never succumb to the influence of another to commit a nasty act. He/she knows what is “good” and “bad,” and can make decisions.

A person who knows how to be kind:

  • is attentive and responsive to everyone – relatives, to colleagues, even strangers;
  • follows his/her convictions, even if it threatens with some negative consequences for him/her;
  • is brought up and polite in relation to all around;
  • does not experience negative emotions for people just because they are of a different race and religion;
  • always advocates for the weak;
  • easily perceives rigor and constructive criticism;
  • does good things, not expecting praise and material rewards;
  • knows how to listen to others without imposing own opinion and without condemning. [2]

Why do you need to be kind: examples of the positive effects of kindness

Why do you need to be kind: examples of the positive effects of kindness

It would seem that the absence of clearly bad actions towards others or charity in the mood is the result, you may not want more and stop working on yourself. But do not dwell on a single SMS to a charity fund to help those in need. Try to form a positive attitude towards the world and people in order to multiply the good continuously. Just one good deed, even at first glance insignificant, will “touch” at least three people – yourself, the one to whom you have done good, and the one who saw it. There is nowhere easier, but your positive attitude towards the world thus grows exponentially.

Why is it important to stop being angry? Here are some examples of the positive effects of kindness on all areas of life:

1. Kindness always comes back

Practice shows that good deeds come back to us a hundredfold. It is not clear how exactly this “works”; there is no scientific evidence. But kind people say: if you just help the needy, in the near future you can wait for gifts from fate. These are not some kind of material “rewards”, but their significance is no less valuable for a person.

2. Kind people live longer

It turns out that being kind is good for your health. Scientists say that people who get little angry and do not intrigue others live longer. And all because a positive attitude protects against stress and depression – the factors that negatively affect well-being. [3]

3. Kind people become more beautiful with age

Beauticians emphasize that good people only become more beautiful with age. It’s all about facial wrinkles. Facial expressions are almost impossible to control. In angry and aggressive people, the face is constantly tense and twisted in some kind of mask, which “prints” ugly deep wrinkles on the forehead and nasolabial folds with age. A kind person looks much better – funny sparkles in the eyes, an attractive scattering of small facial wrinkles in the corners of the eyes from frequent smiles. [3]

4. Kind people do not face loneliness

Kind people are easy to talk to, they are great friends who always come to the rescue. Such people seem to attract the same positive people. They never, unlike the angry ones, grow old lonely. They are easily adaptable in any company.

5. Kind people get what they want in a shorter time

A friendly attitude to others helps achieve your goals faster. While a bad person spends all the energy to “eliminate” opponents from the path, moving further and further away from the plan, the good one acts. He/she is helped (both by deed and by advice) and is given motivating support, which greatly simplifies the solution of serious problems.

How to become kinder: 12 recommendations

How to become kinder

“I am an angry person. It is a fact. I want to be kinder, but I don’t know how to change myself. I am already 30 years old, but I don’t have a child, not even a regular partner. I lost all my friends because of my bad character. It always seemed to me that they were all more successful than me – richer, smarter, luckier. This gave rise to anger and unhealthy envy – it was easier to completely distance myself from once close people. I was able to successfully complete my studies at a prestigious university and to move up the career ladder. But I had to go over my colleague. I know that this is dishonest, and good people don’t do that, but I really wanted to quickly get a good position. Now my colleagues are shunning me. This used to amuse, but now it bothers me – I create an unhealthy atmosphere in the team. They constantly gossip about me, which makes me very angry.

I don’t really like noisy companies, and most of the people just annoy me. I cannot restrain myself from saying some causticity. In my heart I understand that it is very difficult to communicate with me. It’s necessary to correct the situation, otherwise I’ll be alone in old age”.

– Marina, 30

Kindness cannot be found on any counter in the store. But this quality can be developed. To find the answer to the question “how to become a kind person?” the recommendations of psychologists will help:

1. All starts with a smile

Kindness and goodwill begin with a smile. This is the same trigger that sets up the interlocutor for positive communication. Smile more often. And it doesn’t matter to whom exactly – a colleague, a conductor on a bus, a seller in a store. A smile will give you strength and self-confidence.

2. Develop your empathy skills

Empathy is a quality of personality that is characteristic only of a kind person. He/she will always find both time and strength to listen to the interlocutor and to support him/her even with a frank conversation.

Develop the skills of empathy, not forgetting that good will certainly return. Learn to read other people’s emotions and express your sympathy with the words “I understand you”, “I understand your feelings”. Perhaps at first you will do it purely mechanically. But very soon you will begin to feel that you really understand the interlocutor.

3. Slow down your irritation

So, you want to say something sharp and insulting to the statement of the interlocutor? Become kinder and calmer. Try to notice and work out negative emotions in yourself. Try to understand what exactly prompted the person to the thoughtless phrase – anger, momentary irritation or, perhaps, a bad day. Look at the whole situation from the side, as if sitting in a movie theater. This will help reduce the degree of irritation and respond more favorably. Perhaps the interlocutor did not want to harm and somehow offend you.

4. Be attentive to loved ones

A person – even one who can be called kind – often forgets to be careful to loved ones. There is also a category of people who are charming for others, and staying for their relatives eternally busy persons. The temptation to be kind in the eyes of others is very great, since this is a chance to become more significant, to get some kind of a social status. But to support a wife / husband, parents, a child is much more difficult, this may not be enough time and effort.

Set priorities correctly and spend time with loved ones every day. Solve common problems, pay attention and care. Even if the day was not the easiest, in the evening refrain from reproaches and unproductive criticism, petty quarrels over trifles. This is where kindness begins.

5. Give communicative “gifts” to others

It’s so easy to compliment a colleague, say hello to the seller at the counter or say “thank you” to your family for a tasty prepared dinner. But even this is somehow forgotten in a series of endless business. Train your muscle of kindness, setting a rule to make communicative gifts every day – say hello, thank you, say compliments. In response to politeness and kindness, you will see on the face of the interlocutor the whole palette of emotions. This charges with positive energy.

6. Be an optimist

It is easier for an optimistic person to live and overcome difficulties. An optimist won’t even have a thought to commit an evil deed for mercantile purposes, since he/she is sure that there are other ways to achieve his/her goal.

To learn kindness, try to look at life more optimistically, moving away from external irritating factors. This will not let you plunge into depression in a heap of piled-up cases.

Start your day with gratitude: to parents – for the gift of life, to household members – for helping you in every endeavor, colleagues and the boss – for the opportunity to develop and show your skills at work. This useful morning ritual will provide optimism and help take on the world.

7. Know how to forgive

All the anger that accumulates in thoughts from some negative actions of others returns to us. This feeling gives rise to a desire for revenge, irritation, unmotivated aggression. A wise, kind person does not allow himself/herself to be in the grip of dark emotions.

It’s time to stop being angry and irritable. Learn to forgive and let negative situations go. It is not a question of turning the second cheek for the next vile blow of the ill-wisher. Just try to look at the situation from a slightly different angle – draw the appropriate conclusions, do not accumulate anger and resentment, do not respond with negative things. A kind person does not waste his/her energy on aggression, continuing to think positively.

8. Be sincere and selfless

Insincerity is always noticeable. Therefore, even a good deed committed for some selfish purpose can hardly be called real.

No need to seem kind. Need to become kind! Good deeds done for a show characterize a person not from the best side. Sincere goodness must come from the heart. A disinterested person does not think what benefit a good deed will bring. He/she immediately acts to help another – with advice, money, action.

9. Be generous

Generosity is one of the manifestations of human kindness. And if there is an opportunity to share something with those in need, do it. Generosity is not “giving the last” in order to remain hungry later. You can help even with your actions and support. It will be very pleasant for a needy person to at least feel your participation and empathy.

10. Learn to apologize

It seems that there is nothing easier than saying “I’m sorry”. But many people think that apologizing means being weak. This is not true. Only a bad person does not apologize, and a kind person will always find the right words to make amends for a wrong.

Become stronger and kinder. Forget your own pride to say “I’m sorry” when it is really necessary. It does not matter in what form – written or oral, personally or indirectly. It will become easier for you to realize that you did the right thing.

11. Do not get involved in conflicts and do not become their reason

Why to conflict if an agreement can be reached peacefully? Do not waste your inner energy on evil squabbles and finger-pointing.

Restraint is the privilege of good people. If you see that the interlocutor, in spite of well-reasoned arguments, does not accept your point of view, refrain from insults in a raised voice and accusations. Better to end the conflict. This is not a manifestation of weakness! You just save yourself from communicating with an “impenetrable”, aggressive person. Take this fact for granted and move on.

And of course, do not become a cause of conflict in the team. Do not make gossip and do not do things that obviously can lead to a serious quarrel.

12. Do what you love

How many people are completely disappointed in life. A person often becomes embittered all over the world because he/she doesn’t do what he/she would like to – going to an unloved job, constantly fighting for a decent salary. And this, of course, destroys all positive emotions, does not lead to happiness and success.

To become better and kinder, you need to find a way to self-actualize and begin to engage in what gives real joy. If you understand that the current work brings nothing but constant anger and annoyance, it is worth trying to find yourself in something else.

Deciding on the fundamental changes in life is extremely difficult, especially if a particular type of activity brings good income. In this case, you should find a pleasant hobby that will become a kind of outlet for stress at work. Try to reconsider the attitude to the team and to the activity you are doing – find the positive aspects of your position and try to learn how to enjoy the tasks that you perform.

Negative beliefs and attitudes take away our sense of strength and capabilities, in this state it is more difficult to be kind. Thoughtless acts, a malicious attitude towards others – all these are often bad habits and an established model of behavior that only complicates life.

One of the effective ways to develop kindness is the 7Spsy behavior modification technique. This certified, scientifically confirmed method is based on the theories of I.P. Pavlov, B.F. Skinner, A.A. Ukhtomsky and others.

We will teach kindness and cordiality

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Participation in the course will help change the pathological model of behavior that prevents you from being a kind, responsive person. The desire to become kinder is realized only through radical changes and the replacement of negative attitudes with positive ones. The psychologist will help you get rid of the bad internal critic, who constantly repeats “enemies are around” and “where do I go?”, thereby preventing participation and concern for others. You take a different look at your life and understand that kindness is a source of happiness and prosperity. A positive view of the surrounding reality is much more productive than negative emotions. So you save yourself from energy-intensive quarrels at work and at home, from conflicts with friends.

The course of behavior modification is designed for 2-6 weeks. The client is training remotely at a convenient time. At the same time, the psychologist advises on all matters of interest and helps complete the course fully – by phone and e-mail, in online chat rooms. If you consider it necessary, you may not inform colleagues and relatives about participation in the program. The program is completely confidential.

To become kind means to become smart, honest, responsible and decent. These qualities are highly valued in society and help achieve success in life.


  1. «Kak otnositsia k sebe i liudiam, ili prakticheskaia psikhologiia na kazhdyi den», 2005 g., N. Kozlov.
  2. «Prostaia pravilnaia zhizn, ili kak soedinit radost, smysl i effektivnost», 2017 g., N. Kozlov.
  3. «Dobrota. Malenkaia kniga bolshikh otkrytii», 2018 g., D. Terston.