“Our children also have a problem with aggressiveness. My husband and I have boys born a year apart, and they constantly argue with each other and fight. And its one thing if it only happened at home, but they also fight with other children at school. If they don’t like something, their first response is to get into a fight. We’ve been called to the director twice. First time because they fought with each other, the second — because they tore apart a textbook of a classmate. They found a company for themselves in another aggressive kid in the parallel class, and I have no idea what to do with them. We have already punished them in every way, kept them in a corner and deprived of the TV. It only gets worse, like they are doing it to spite us. They have already started to back talk to us and they are only 12.”
— Margarita, 41 years old
Parents familiar with the peculiarities of child psychology will immediately understand that punishments, especially physical ones, can fix the situation only temporarily. Children will behave well with parents and teachers because of fear of punishment, but when no one sees, they could beat younger brothers and sisters or classmates. In the long run, as soon as the fear disappears and it is possible to resist punishment, aggressive behavior will resume. For example, in adolescence.
So what methods can give a lasting result? Is it possible to get rid of aggressiveness once and for all, and what provokes aggression in children of different ages? We’ll talk about that in today’s article.
Aggression in children and adolescents is the biological standard. Anger is created to protect and save us. In the event of a bear attack, a man gets angry and fights with triple energy. If a pupil cannot solve a problem — he becomes angry and makes additional efforts. Such aggression in a child is instrumental and it is useful; it is not necessary to get rid of it. Therefore, we will consider only the aggression that causes moral and physical harm both to the person expressing it and the people around.
Children copy the behavior of parents, relatives or teachers. How adults act is more important than what they say. For example, you can do as many ethics lessons as you like, but if a teacher uses threats, children are more likely to learn this way of communication.
(hereinafter the stories are published with the consent of participants)
“A mother came with a junior schoolboy, complaining that the child was swearing, attacking everyone and fighting. I ask her: “What does his dad do if someone cuts him across on the road?” It turned out that dad swears, can deliberately cut somebody off and then jump out the car at the traffic light to give them a piece of his mind. Or details how he would take someone down. Yes, his Dad keeps sober, works, but he doesn’t give a good example. Sometimes parents say: “We beat him again and again, but he fights anyway.” Of course the child fights; what else could he do if he does not know any other way to solve problems?
Children copy not only the behavior of parents but also what they see on the TV. At the same time, parents often do not know what their children are watching, and cannot adjust their conflict behavior, because they simply do not understand the reasons.
“People, especially children, are very receptive to other people’s behavior. One of my friends could not understand for a very long time where her son took the habit of name-calling, since it was unaccepted in their family. Then she happened to see that he was watching Youtube bloggers who easily humiliated and name-called each other. It turned out that the child simply did not understand that such words could greatly offend another person because he saw an example of people name-calling each other and not suffering any consequences.
The desire to prove one’s adulthood through aggression is often found in children who believe that “might makes right.” Such a belief can be formed both in a tyrannical family, where parents use aggression to prove their power, and when watching movies where might makes right. As a result, the child uses aggression as a way of dominating classmates or younger children in the family.
Some children, due to their temperament or because of crises, can react more acutely and nervously to what is happening. Such children are characterized by impulsiveness and nasty temper. For example, a teacher’s usual remark can cause a violent reaction in an emotional pupil, and indifference in a calm one.
Children who lack love and care can bully or ruin things to be noticed. Conflict-protest behavior is also possible when aggression is the only way a child knows how to say no.
“I’d rather be seen that way than not at all.” Of course, children rarely consciously choose such a strategy to attract attention, but sometimes it happens. We worked with a teenage girl who had run away from home several times for 1-2 days. She once said that its how her parents can notice her and remember that she exists. She runs away, they get worried; then she returns, they cry together and establish a good relationship for a month or two, and then they forget about her again. Of course, the child wants to be loved and uses this way to get love. It’s hard to blame her for that.
Often child’s proneness to conflict is the other side of defenselessness. However, defenselessness breeds fear. In such cases, aggression is a way to protect oneself: from the attacks of adults and other children, from an unjust world and one’s powerlessness.
“Such situations are rare, but such children are easily identified. They are constantly waiting for an attack and defend themselves, so it’s hard to make contact with them. Such behavior is the result of the influence of demanding and unpredictable adults. In one school there was a teacher like that, who could praise the homework on one day and give an F for it and scold the student in front of the whole class the next day. Of course, children had constant conflicts with him and with other teachers. When parents got him fired, children became much calmer.
Conflicts often accompany crisis periods in children’s lives. For example, when adapting to primary or secondary school. Children have a hard time, they are in constant stress, feeling nervous and behaving aggressively. For children who are not used to rejection or do not know how to live through it, it is especially difficult to adapt. As a result, kids can start hitting other children because, for example, they do not want to socialize or share their things with him/her.
In this case, causes of aggression in adolescents are hormonal changes and attempts to separate from adults.
Children, as well as adults, find it much more difficult to modulate their emotions when they do not get enough sleep, are tired or sick. However, children often do not realize what makes them irritable.
In addition to minor ailments, increased aggressiveness can be caused by organic brain damage, so in some cases the examinations and a doctor’s consultation are needed.
Children’s aggressiveness may have several reasons. For example, a child can fight because he considers such behavior normal (watching movies), thinks that if he does not show his strength other children will bully him (fear and feeling helpless), and wants to gain attention. So, how do you wean a child like that from fighting and screaming? It is difficult to identify a dominant group of factors, but it is possible to try to teach the child not to respond aggressively to what is happening in his life.
“An aggressive child is a label, but let’s not pin labels.
Aggression is the behavior by which a child says: “I feel bad, something is happening to me that I can’t handle, Mom, Dad, please hear me out and help me.” Aggression in a socially unacceptable form is almost always a symptom of the fact that the child’s inner world was shaken up. If your child is conflictive, argues, fights — look around. What’s going on in your life? Is everything okay? Is everything okay at school? Is your son or daughter happy there?
Of course, not every instance of aggressive behavior represents a problem. For example, why does a child fight when he is attacked? In self-defense. And if it is a teenager trying to take a stand and argue? It’s personal development and growing up. How to understand when aggressiveness goes beyond useful aggression? Take a short aggressiveness test for adolescents and primary and secondary school children.
Read the allegations and think about how they reflect your child’s behavior. Choose answers “almost always or often” or “rarely or seldom” for each of the statements.
It is reasonable to assume problematic, aggressive behavior if for at least three months your child has displayed at least 4 of these characteristics.
To form a better picture it is better to seek help from psychologists. For example, you can order the 7Spsy behavior modification course. The child will undergo a fully anonymous diagnostic test before starting the course.
Prevention is better than treatment, and this rule is relevant for aggressive behavior. Of course, aggression cannot be turned off, just as it is impossible to turn off any other emotion, but you can teach the child useful, correct behavior in conflict situations.
Games and various exercises will help the child to get rid of accumulated negative emotions and reduce the level of aggressiveness. Main recommendation to parents of an aggressive child is to try playing following games with him.
The game aims to familiarize the player with his emotions better. 6+.
The presenter shall think of a feeling and try to express it only by gestures, words or using his eyes. The other participant must guess the feeling the presenter thought of.
2. “Three feats of Andrei”
It helps schoolchildren use aggressive actions in a socially acceptable way. 6+.
The presenter (adult) tells the story of a boy Andrew, who fought with other children. One day Andrei offended an evil wizard who has turned him into a dragon. To break the spell Andrei needs to perform three feats related to the kind of aggression he manifested. For example, to fight Kashchey and protect Baba Yaga from him. The child can portray each of the characters of his fairy tale.
3. “Why a dinosaur is angry/what a dinosaur is afraid of”
It helps the child to realize and talk through his anger or fears. 9+.
The adult tells about his fears and anger and then invites the child to imagine himself as a dinosaur and tell what he is afraid of and why he is angry.
4. “The Woodman”
It helps the child relieve physical stress. 8+.
The adult invites the child to imagine that he is chopping wood, waving his hands as if holding an axe. With each “hit” you need to make some sound, and in the end you need to calculate how many logs were cut the woodcutter and how many billets you received. A child can plan the number of logs he wants to get in advance, such as, “I want to cut eight billets.”
Children of primary and middle school age are more likely to play with pleasure, and teenagers can opt-out of “children’s entertainment”, so you can offer them joint sports or board games like “Svintus” or “Crocodile”. Of course, adjusting the aggressive behavior of teenagers is a difficult process, and the use of games alone is not enough.
Unfortunately, sometimes all the parents’ efforts do not work. For example, because they do not fully understand the causes of conflict behavior or because aggression has become habitual behavior for the child and ordinary games do not help, or they simply do not have enough time and skills. However, that’s normal — parents are not all-powerful.
In such cases, the patented method of behavioral psychology — the 7Spsy behavior modification technique may be used. Course classes will help to reduce your child’s aggressiveness, form a habit to calmly respond to conflict situations and teach expressing aggression in an environmentally friendly way. The child learns skills on his own, you only help to understand the materials and control the frequency of activity. Our experts will always be ready to support you and your child — by phone, in an online chat or via email. As a result, after 2-6 weeks you will notice your child becoming more calm and restrained, more willing to make contact and negotiate with his family and classmates.
No matter what way you choose to solve the problem, remember that your children are copying you. You have always been and will continue to be the best example for your children for a long time to come.