Home page Psychology blog How to become charismatic and learn how to attract people: 5 steps

How to become charismatic and learn how to attract people: 5 steps

30.05.2019 Author: psiholog pavel horoshutin

“I heard that people often see in their dreams their disgrace in the classroom or something like that, but on the contrary, I dream that I go into the office and everyone looks at me. I start talking – and everyone listens. I propose ideas – and everyone enthusiastically agrees. Well, right, I’m such a star, and my fans are around. But in my life am I modest and inconspicuous. Sometimes I have to repeat several times to just get heard! But more often, I just don’t repeat because I don’t believe that I can attract people. A colleague after a meeting said that I didn’t have enough charisma, and since I don’t have it, it won’t be, it’s not developing, they say, and in general it’s a masculine quality. But still, what if? Is it possible to somehow develop a girl’s charisma, become more confident and courageous? I am tired of being ignored”.

— Elena, 22

So, does it develop or not? Charisma, translated from Greek, is “a gift from God”. Some people really believe that this is an innate quality and it is impossible to develop it. Especially convincing are those who have already developed charisma. And really, why do they need competition? But a lark’s a lark, and there are many supporters of the opinion that there are some special talents that are not accessible to mere mortals. Let’s try to figure out what charisma is, why everyone can become charismatic and, most importantly, how can you develop your charisma.

What is charisma

What is charisma

Charisma is a special talent in a spiritual, intellectual or any other way. This is what the dictionary says, and we decided not to dwell on this definition – it is too vague and indefinite. In the understanding of ordinary people who do not compose dictionaries, charisma is the ability to arouse sympathy among others, a sense of trust, admiration, the ability to convince and lead. There is a feeling that a charismatic person almost hypnotizes others. It sounds like magic, although in fact charisma consists of familiar character traits: charm, oratory, the ability to understand the emotions and feelings of others, self-confidence, goodwill, the ability to hold attention and convince.

Научим быть харизматичными!

BUY SERVICE WATCH VIDEO

But sometimes it seems that charismatic people were born such! They do not wonder how to become more charismatic, they are already like that. Why so? Why is everything so easy for them?

Everything is simple. They are used to behaving this way. For some reason, because of their upbringing or social circle, they learned to be open, sociable, and developed charm from childhood. Such a person enters the office in the morning – and habitually breaks into a smile. Confidently and actively defends his/her opinion at a meeting. Freely and benevolently smiles at a new friend, finds the right words. All this is familiar behavior, brought to automatism, so it seems so easy and simple.

And the other person habitually slouches his shoulders, grumbles “hello” under his/her breath, stays silent in the boss’s room and lowers eyes when someone tries to talk to him/her. As a result, the first is considered charismatic and charming, and the second – closed and non-communicative.

Another argument that charisma can be learned is its inconstancy. Even the most charismatic people cannot be like this 24/7, 365 days a year. They are tired, upset, sleepy, confused – and not charismatic at these moments. Or they may simply not use their charisma if this is not necessary. For example, Marilyn Monroe could easily ride the subway, “turning off” her charisma – and no one recognized her. [1]

Most likely, almost any person who considers himself/herself not very charismatic happens to be in high snuff. He/she draws attention to himself/herself, jokes funny, charmingly and naturally leads a conversation. Much depends not only on character traits, but also on the situation in which we find ourselves, so behavior can change. Moreover, a person can consciously change his/her behavior.

So, charisma can be developed. But how to become a charismatic person and attract people to yourself? Where to begin?

Ways to develop charisma

Ways to develop charisma

As a rule, both men and girls want to become charismatic, so we offer ways that suit everyone.

Step 1. Believe that you can develop this quality

Often people are hindered by their own beliefs. [2] A person who considers charisma to be an exclusively inborn quality will not do anything to develop it – why try if it is not given anyway? And this applies not only to charisma. I want to draw, but I can’t? I want to run, but for the first time it is hard? Done, this is not mine, I will not try. But in fact, you can learn almost anything. Of course, there are innate inclinations, but it depends only on how easily some or other activity will be given to you. At the same time, history knows many examples when gifted people ruined their talent because they did not develop it. Whereas the insufficiency of this potential is compensated by an individually selected training technique. Here, for example, 7Spsy behavior modification technology can help. And if you add purposefulness to this, you can become, though not like Steve Jobs, but a confident, charming and attractive guy or girl.

Step 2. Identify why you need charisma

Everyone has different goals and objectives, although, of course, our readers are unlikely to develop charisma in order to take over the world. Identify why you want to become more charismatic. What is your goal? Being a leader respected and listened to? Easily make friends? Or getting attention of the opposite gender, like in the movie “Girls”: “Here I am walking beautiful along the street, and all the oncoming guys get stiff, but those who are weaker fall and fall, fall, fall and stack themselves in stacks!” The style of charisma that you decide to develop will also depend on the goal.

Step 3. Choose you style of charisma

Also, the styles are different?! Of course. You may have noticed that different people are charismatic in their own way. The Dalai Lama and Steve Jobs are not alike. They have different goals, lifestyle, character. But both of them are and will be followed by people.

Conventionally, 4 styles of charisma can be distinguished, based on 3 qualities: presence, power and warmth. [1]

  1. Charisma of concentration is inherent in people who know how to carefully listen and hear the interlocutor. It is due to the focus on the interlocutor that such people attract other people to themselves.

“We somehow very quickly dealt with the new leader. It was important for me to be listened to, and I could talk to her. She brought her ideas, even the craziest ones, and always got a response. Because of this, she and the team were respected, recognized as a leader, because she always, always listened to us, we were important – and that meant a lot to us”.

— Julia, 23

  1. Charisma of inspiration. People with this charisma style can motivate and inspire other people. After talking with them, it seems that you can roll mountains. A vivid example is Tony Robbins, who says fairly obvious things, but at the same time, according to his listeners, energizes and inspires to begin.

“What he says is trite and well-worn. At the core is self-acceptance, believe in self and self-existence, self-confidence. The whole seminar is about relationships with oneself. But the seminars of Tony Robbins blow people off. He makes us believe in ourselves and shows that we already have the energy for all this, and that we can get it inside ourselves at any moment”.

— Anastasia, 29

  1. Charisma of goodwill. A vivid example is the Dalai Lama and his ability to radiate warmth and unconditional love. People suddenly find themselves enveloped in his sincere attention and approval, they feel that they are glad, that they are ready to be taken care of, that they are safe. Such a feeling, perhaps, is experienced by children in the hands of loving and caring parents. Everything is fine, the world is in order, and I am with it.
  2. Charisma of power. Based on status and self-confidence. A person who demonstrates an expertise and confidence in his/her rightness, is sort of transferring this confidence to others. People think: “Oh, this person clearly understands what he/she is saying. Perhaps I have something to learn from him/her”. Usually this style of charisma is sought by men, but how easy it is to go too far here. Without benevolence or concentration, this style turns into dominion and tyranny, and people try to avoid such persons.

Step 4. Qualities of a charismatic person. Which ones exactly do you need?

From the definition of charisma, it is clear that this is a multi-component quality. Think and decide what exactly you are missing. You may already be friendly, but you feel insecure when dealing with strangers. In this case, it is worth training the skill of communicating with strangers and think about how to develop the skill of charm. Or you can listen carefully, but you don’t have enough self-confidence – then it’s worth developing confidence. Write down the qualities you have that you would like to develop. You can take the qualities from our list or come up with your own.

Qualities of a charismatic person

  • Empathy, or emotional intelligence. Ability to understand how other people feel and empathize with them.
  • Ability to listen and hear so that others feel that they are important and significant. This ability is also called active listening
  • Independence, or ability to rely on yourself in difficult situations. It gives others confidence that you can rely on such a person.
  • Oratory. The ability to structure your speech in such a way as to interest and carry people with your ideas. This also includes persuasiveness, negotiation skills and knowledge of conflict resolution.
  • Confidence in yourself and your strengths, knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses.
  • Ability to talk about one’s merits. Many people know that they can do a lot, but they cannot always say so. They were taught that “I am the last letter in the alphabet”.
  • Willpower, or self-discipline. Ability to focus on tasks, not to be distracted, to do something, even if it does not work at first.
  • Ability to set goals and achieve them.
  • Ability to stay calm in difficult situations. It should be noted here that emotionality per se can be useful. When we talk enthusiastically about something, we show emotions. But in difficult situations, it is important to be able not to get hysterical and not to show aggression towards other people.
  • Sense of humor, ability to joke appropriately and funny, without offending or insulting others with jokes. Laugh with them, not at them.
  • Decisiveness and courage, which is manifested not only in actions, but also in speech, in movements and facial expressions. Shoulders straightened, smooth walk, energetic gestures, etc.
  • Realism. Optimism is good, but not in all cases it is appropriate, therefore it is important to see both positive and negative points in all situations.

Step 5. Identify how you can develop the required qualities

Lack of speaking skills to hold attention? Find a textbook or an oratory skills course. Lacking self-confidence when communicating with colleagues? Write down how you would like to behave – and follow your instructions, fix the desired behavior.

Exercises to develop charisma

Of course, the exercises may differ depending on what specific qualities you decide to develop, but there are universal exercises that will be useful in most cases. How much time does it take to become a charming and charismatic girl or guy? It all depends on how often you behave in a new way.

1. Self-esteem exercise, “Chapters of Life” technique

Choose 4 events from your life that are meaningful to you and limited in time. [3] For example, studying at school, first job and so on. Then you need to describe these events in the most detail – facts, emotions, thoughts, experiences – as if you were writing your memoirs, and the chapter would be called “The Event That Turned My Life Upside Down”. Spend at least 10-15 minutes on the description, and in the end answer 2 questions:

  • what it says about me as a person;
  • how this chapter is combined with other chapters of my life.

You can describe not only chapters, but also individual short events. For persistence of the effect, it is better to practice this exercise regularly or on the eve of important events.

2. Communication skills exercise

You can train your speech in any way:

  • declaim aloud at least 15 minutes a day;
  • pick up arguments for different topics and voice them yourself in front of the mirror. Watch facial expressions and intonations;
  • select one impersonal phrase, for example, “it was raining heavily this morning” and pronounce it with different intonation and emotions: evil, joyful, upset, enthusiasm, normally, inquiring, judgmentally and so on.

3. Behavior modification exercise

Sometimes we are too immersed in our emotions, and this prevents us from acting. For example, we want to ask for an extraordinary vacation, but we postpone the visit to the boss. The reasons may be different: we are scared, we are afraid of failure, we do not want to look annoying, it seems to us that the boss will get angry and so on. You can endlessly chew on your emotions and experiences without taking the necessary step. Therefore, in many situations it is important to overpower yourself and act. Most often, it turns out that the consequences are completely out of line with our expectations. They were afraid that the boss would yell, and he only grunted, but put his/her signature. 2 minutes of fear instead of a week of worries – and the cherished result is yours.

The same rule applies to the development of charisma. If you want to be charismatic, act like you already are. Analyze the behavior of your “reference charismatic person”, highlight the features and features that make him/her special and copy them. First, you can practice in front of a mirror, and then in communication with other people. After some time, the new behavior will become familiar and natural for you.

Научим быть харизматичными!

BUY SERVICE WATCH VIDEO

The same principle of retraining is at the heart of 7Spsy behavior modification technique. This is a patented method based on scientifically based areas – behavioral psychology. With the help of psychologists, you can change the beliefs that prevent you from being charismatic. You will master new communication strategies and consolidate effective habits. Work in remote mode, psychologists will always be in touch – e-mail, chat, phone – you choose the method of communication.

This format for changing behavior and developing charisma is more effective than meeting a psychologist once every 1-2 weeks, so after 2-6 weeks you will become more self-confident, learn how to communicate, charm and convince.

4. Exercise for developing body language

In addition to speech and inner confidence, it is important to teach your body to work properly. In addition to general physical exercises for developing strength and flexibility, try:

  • train in front of the mirror to take different poses. Sit confidently, then as if you are embarrassed and ashamed. Feel the difference in these poses, feel how your sensation changes depending on the pose.
  • control your gestures and movements, learn to walk with your back straight, with clear steps, do not scuff your legs. You can set a reminder on the phone and when it starts, pay attention to your posture: how you are sitting or standing, whether there is any tension in the body.
  • learn to smile and look people in the eye when talking to them. You can also train your smile in front of the mirror.

And finally, we briefly indicate what prevents the development of charisma.

What prevents the development of charisma

What prevents the development of charisma
  1. Physical and emotional discomfort. For example, it is difficult to be friendly and responsive when you have a bad headache or tight shoes.
  2. The habit of criticizing yourself, scolding for every step or wrong action.
  3. The habit of reading the thoughts of other people. “And if I do like this, then they will definitely think about me that I …” But you cannot know what others will really think. Usually people are more interested in themselves than others.
  4. Catastrophizing or the perception of any failure as the failure of life. “If I can’t perform well now, it means that I can never perform again”. Just go and do, and use the bad moments, if any, as a basis for development, not self-flagellation.
  5. The habit of thinking that others can read our thoughts and emotions, the so-called illusion of transparency. [4] We confidently say hello, smile, and inside, everything shakes with fear – what if people around will understand? In fact, the ability to read other people’s emotions is greatly exaggerated, and in most cases your excitement will go unnoticed.

And, most importantly, when you become a confident, charming and charismatic person – use your new skills for the benefit of yourself and other people.

References:

  1. Oliviia Foks Kabein, «Kharizma. Kak vliiat, ubezhdat i vdokhnovliat».
  2. Kerol Duek, «Gibkoe soznanie».
  3. Tekhnika «Glavy zhizni» . (https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/jopy.12449).
  4. Pro illiuziiu prozrachnosti (https://ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illiuziia_prozrachnosti).