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No Chance for Happiness: How Negative Attitudes Prevent Us from Loving

26.06.2019 Author: psiholog pavel horoshutin

“In my opinion, I do not know how to fall in love with men. I have never experienced a lack of male attention, they were  dating me all my life, they were getting my attention – but I have nothing inside. Only emptiness. But the men were the most worthy: both handsome, and clearly purposeful, with the money, and knew how to care. But it didn’t work. My kind of a man was not among them. Yes, I enjoy the signs of attention, but I don’t want to give anything in return. Well, of course, a single man could not tolerate it for such a long time, without seeing reciprocity, everyone left. And so, the question is, how will I find my love if some part of me resists this? And the prospect of aging alone is somewhat not attractive. Tell us what to do if you have never loved, if, in principle, you do not know how to love?”

– Zhanna, 32

Human needs human. And this is undeniable. Each of us needs a person next to whom we can share our daily routine and bright emotions. Everyone needs warmth, emotional closeness, affection. Therefore, the question of how to find the love of the whole life worries, perhaps, everyone who has not yet found the “soul mate”.

But here’s the paradox: before, people had no problems with choosing a partner: usually this issue was decided by the parents of the bride and groom, or other circumstances influenced the decision – for example, economic benefits. Now we are free to choose, and this is really a great value. But now there are much more problems with finding love. Thousands of women are left alone, unable to fall in love or, on the contrary, suffer from love addiction or suffer violence for years because of fear of losing love. And then they finally leave – and fall into the same situations again.

It’s a vicious circle. But there is a way out of it: you just need to change your thinking and behavior.

If you have long been suffering from loneliness and are almost disappointed in love, this article is for you. We will tell you how negative experience prevents a woman from loving and how, having overcome it, meet her love and marry the man of her dreams.

Content:

  1. What is love
  2. Negative attitudes that interfere with relationships
  3. What to do to get married
  4. How can a girl find her love by changing behavior patterns

What is love

what is love

At all times, philosophers, poets and scientists tried to answer this question, but did not come to a consensus. Perhaps because they made this concept too complicated. From the point of view of psychology, everything is much simpler. Love is a deep affection for another person. It is based on three components:

  • emotional: spiritual intimacy, friendship;
  • physical: sexual desire, passion;
  • moral: obligations to another person, responsibility for relationships.

Often, love is taken only as passion or light love, when interest in a person is adjacent to physical attraction. But true love can only be spoken about when all three components are in harmony.

There is another important aspect that many people forget: love must bring happiness. If a person experiences suffering from this feeling, we can talk about love addiction.

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Love does not have to be mutual. Yes, you can experience happiness even when you receive nothing in return. But to build a deep and happy relationship, attachment must be mutual. In a relationship, harmony is important. If one person loves and the other allows to love, such a relationship will not last long: both will suffer because of an imbalance, since it is impossible to constantly only give or only accept. So, for true love, it is important to be able to do both.

Negative attitudes that interfere with relationships

negative attitudes in love

“I’m already 36 years old, but I still don’t know how to build relationships with men. And, it seems, I never knew how. I fell in love many times, tried to start a family, but each time it ended badly. My partners did not seem to love me really, but only allowed to love them. And I gave myself completely to the relationship, diving into, wishing to do everything so that my beloved one would be happy. And in return I received only loneliness. No man ever truly fell in love with me, they all either went to other women, or simply closed themselves from me, or preferred work and friends to me… I still don’t understand what was the matter. Maybe I do not know how to show my love? Or is it just boring being with me? Maybe I don’t know how to love men at all – what to do in this case? I really want to find true love, get married, but years go by, and the chances are less”.

– Irina, 36

We all know how difficult it is to find a right person in love. It’s even harder to figure out when you find your love. Couples who met in kindergarten, and now take the youngest child there, are very rare. Most often, in order to meet one’s destiny, one has to go through the experience of not the happiest relationship.

Surviving the failures in love is completely normal, it is only important not to focus on the negative experience and be able to move on. Many have problems with this. Most often, a girl discovers that she is repeating a certain model of relations with different men and cannot change it in any way. Let’s see why this happens.

  1. Paradox of Passion

We have already mentioned the situation when one partner loves and the other only allows to love him/her. With this model of relationships, one person loves more and more, while the feelings of another fade. The first passionately wants love, the second is not ready to give it. Moreover, the roles of “leader” and “subordinate” can be played by both a man and a woman. Moreover, in the same ways, roles can constantly change. [1]

How are such relationships formed? As always, the problem must be sought in the unconscious attitudes learned in childhood. If a child all the time had to fight for the love of parents, for example, via good grades or household chores, in adult life he/she will still seek the approval of a partner, because the mindset has already formed that love must be earned. Also, the paradox of passion affects women who had to grow up early and fulfill parental functions in childhood. This happens, for example, if the parents had some addictions or a girl was the eldest child and constantly looked after the younger children. Growing up, such women are subconsciously looking for a partner whom they can take care of, getting “permission” to do this.

In the opposite direction, this principle begins to work when a more loving partner gets tired and moves away. Then the other feels that the source of love has dried up, and begins to increasingly gravitate towards it. Such a game can go on for ages, and the fear of being alone is always the case.

2. Fear of intimacy

It happens that a woman lives with her husband for many years, but her relationship does not satisfy her, she lacks emotional closeness. Or, in search of love, she often changes partners, but with no one it is possible to build a truly warm and sincere relationship. Oddly enough, the problem here may not be at all in her husband and partners. Rather, the opposite: they are trying to get closer to her themselves. But each time she avoids this closeness, and as a defensive reaction she seeks shortcomings in her partners.

The thing is that a girl is afraid of close relationships. In them, she sees only dependence on a partner. She prefers to keep her distance to make it easier to set boundaries. And, of course, if a loved one suddenly wants to leave it will not hurt so much. [2]

Such a model of behavior can manifest itself after an unsuccessful experience: betrayal, cheating, or simply a relationship with a “cold” partner who did not approve the manifestation of feelings and was never frank himself. As a result, an attitude is formed that men cannot be trusted, that a loved one will surely leave or betray sooner or later, which means there is no point in getting close to him.

3. Striving for the ideal

Fear of close relationships can also manifest itself in a constant desire for an unattainable ideal. In the head of a woman there is an image of an ideal relationship, and she passes each man met through this filter. But fear makes her focus solely on flaws. “Is it possible to build a relationship with a person who wears such shirts?” She thinks of a man who sincerely loves her. Dreaming of “true” ideal love, she deprives herself of a chance for happiness with a real man.

4. Self-depreciation 

Another setting that interferes with building relationships is disbelief in one’s own attractiveness. “Is it possible to love someone like me?” – a woman thinks, and perceives hostilely any sign of attention in her direction, any interest, seeing in the manifestation of feelings only a lie and a malicious intent. Of course, with this view of the world, the probability of falling in love is close to zero. After all, how to find your destiny, to meet love, if you do not know how to love even yourself? Women with such attitudes can constantly fall in love with men who are indifferent to them, or with obviously inaccessible men, for example, famous actors.

This comes again, from childhood: if parents constantly criticized the daughter’s appearance, character or abilities, paid attention exclusively to her shortcomings or even ignored her, the complexes in adulthood would not take long to come. The negative experience of relationships can play a role, especially in adolescence, when the opinion of a partner is especially significant for a young girl.

5. Passivity 

“I need to be conquered,” – these words can often be heard from girls. This is a very popular setting, which, of course, comes from the traditional culture, where the man takes the first step and conquers the woman in every way. There is nothing wrong with this mindset, if not taken to extremes. Otherwise, you can be left alone. After all, the man who is so much in love will sooner or later get tired of seeking his beloved girl, if he does not feel reciprocity. For harmonious relationships, an equal contribution is important even at the very beginning. Therefore, a girl should also take steps towards her partner and express her feelings to him: give gifts, say nice words, go out to dates. This does not detract from femininity, rather, on the contrary: it is precisely these manifestations of feelings that men are waiting for.

6. Unreasonable jealousy

Many women are firmly convinced that all men are cheating. This stereotype is strongly supported by the popular culture. Moreover, some men, falling under this influence, begin to cheat on their partners without any desire, just trying to look like a macho in the eyes of society. And women, seeing examples of infidelity in works of art and in life, only affirm themselves and suffer from jealousy, exhausting their partner, even if he had no betrayal in his thoughts.

But more often jealousy is not unreasonable: subconsciously, the girl chooses precisely such men who are prone to adultery. If this situation is familiar to you, we recommend reading an article on how to overcome male infidelity.

We have listed only a few subconscious attitudes that affect behavior and prevent women from meeting true love. Of course, in fact, there are more – perhaps as many as women on the Earth. But there is only one advice on working with them: you need to determine exactly which attitudes are entrenched in the unconscious, and what kind of behavior model has ultimately formed, and replace them with those that will help build strong relationships.

What to do to get married

how to get married

For many women, not only the question of how to find their true love is important, but also how to marry a loved one. A situation where a couple has been dating for many years, but a man is in no hurry to make a proposal to a woman is not uncommon. There are even couples who managed to have children, but still have not filed an application with the registry office. What to do with this problem?

In our culture, it is accepted that the man takes the first step: he cares for the girl, seeks her attention, initiates relationships, and then gives the ring. And, of course, such a relationship model is ideal for many women. But it is worth remembering that we live in the 21st century. Firstly, now marriage rarely has any rational reasons: a man and a woman who work approximately the same way and earn money, may well live on their own. And secondly, a woman herself can now take the initiative, and this will not bother anyone.

Therefore, if it is important for you to be married, if you want to create a real family – tell about it. Other people do not know how to read thoughts, they may not know that something does not suit you, especially if everything is fine in a relationship. Perhaps your partner himself does not mind getting married, he just thinks that you do not need it. Raise this topic yourself, share your feelings and dreams about a beautiful wedding. If your relationship is strong and trustful enough, most likely, a man will agree with you. [3]

If you don’t hear a definite “yes” in response, give your partner some time. Perhaps he needs to get used to this new thought for himself. And after a few months, he will offer you to legitimize the relationship. 

How can a girl find her love by changing behavior patterns 

So, we found out that negative attitudes and habits that have developed throughout life often interfere with gaining love. So, to meet your soul mate, you need to change them to more positive ones. The 7Spsy behavior modification technique is aimed at this. This is a patented method of behavioral psychology, based on the theories of famous psychologists I.P. Pavlov, B.F. Skinner, A.A. Ukhtomsky.

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During course, in 2-6 weeks, a girl will be able to change her model of behavior. So, she will have more chances to build a happy relationship.

The course is carried out remotely and begins with the diagnosis of the problem. Throughout the course you will be supported by a professional psychologist, with whom you can contact via online chat, e-mail or phone.

Thanks to the 7Spsy method, you can look at yourself from the outside. You will be able to change what used to prevent you from building strong relationships, and you will feel that you are now ready to love. Meeting with the man of your dreams will not keep you waiting, and true love and happiness will finally come to life.

References:

  1. Dean Delis, Cassandra Phillips, “The Paradox of Passion. She loves him, but he doesn’t”
  2. Ilse Sand, “Fear of intimacy: How to stop defending yourself and start loving”
  3. Simon Oakes, “Why Men Get Married”